10 Rules For Driving Like A Complete Jerk
If you want to drive like a complete jerk, there are some hard-and-fast rules that must be applied every time you get in your car. Heretofore these rules have been unwritten; therefore, as a public service, I have compiled the top 10 rules that, if followed, will ensure that you are one of the rudest, most inconsiderate drivers on our streets and highways. This will no doubt enable you to attain your goal of endangering the lives of each and every citizen of the Ark-La-Tex.
The following rules derive from the simple fact that the road belongs to you. Your car is an extension of your home; therefore, because you own your car, you also own the road.
Drive as fast as you can at all times. Ignore all speed limit signs. These are only suggestions. Traffic safety experts have studied each road to determine what the maximum safe speed should be for other people. They do not apply to you.
When approaching a traffic light, treat it as you would a speed limit sign. The colors are only suggestions. If you are in a hurry, simply run the red light and ignore the blaring horns of other drivers.
If you are within 100 yards of an intersection at which you plan to turn right, and there is another car in front of you, quickly swerve into the left lane, pass the other car, then jump back into the right lane just as you reach the turn. This will save you at least .05 seconds and give you the pleasure of seeing the other driver slam on his brakes.
When on the freeway, drive as if you were Jimmy Johnson on a race track. The goal is to beat every other driver on the road. The best way to do this is to use every lane available. Weave back and forth between lanes, and be sure to cut other people off so that you may get ahead of them.
When on the highway, if you are driving in the left lane and come up behind a long line of cars passing a slow-moving semi in the right lane, move into the right lane and press the accelerator to the floor. When you get within six inches of the semi, simply swerve your car in front of the driver in the left lane.
If you are driving in the left lane and come upon a car that is going a little too slow for your tastes, pull up to within three inches of the other car's bumper and flash your headlights. Maintain the 3-inch distance and continue to flash your lights until the other driver moves over.
Talk on your cell phone and text as much as possible. This will keep you entertained for the duration of your drive. Don't worry if you weave in and out of your lane. It's your road and you can do what you want.
Never use turn signals. You know where you're going and that's all that matters.
Do not turn on your headlights when it rains. The state law that says you must do so is stupid. You can see where you're going, so it's not necessary.
Your middle finger is an indispensable asset. Show it to other drivers who are not driving in a manner that you deem acceptable. This will show them once and for all who owns the road.
Remember, the name of the game is winning. You're in a race to the finish line. Civility and safety are for losers. Follow these ten simple rules and you can be sure that you're driving like a complete jerk.